Today

Today, I don’t feel happy. This could be because of the beer I drank and the weed I smoked last night. It’s funny how you can be so far up at one moment and so far down the next. I do it to myself.

I was editing my unpublished blogs to make sure there are no spelling mistakes. Instead I switched to writing a new blog because those blogs no longer reflect how I feel at the moment.

They are no longer funny to me even though they were hilarious to me while I was writing them. Only a few days have passed. It’s crazy how fast my mood changes.

But then I remember that the whole reason I am writing this is to make myself feel better. I’m not doing this for anybody else. I’m doing it for me. I need the outlet. So today, I don’t need to be funny.

I’ve decided to start reading the Bible. I decided that before Christmas too and I read about 4 pages of Job. It was interesting but I stopped. I’ll start again.

I always put it off because I think it’s a lot of work. I think that there is no way I will remember it all.

My boyfriend made a good point. I’ll read a book that is four times the size of the Bible and all I will get out of it is a few interesting stories and the image of India but I won’t take the time to sit down and read the Bible that I have said I wanted to do so many times.

That makes sense. I won’t remember everything but I don’t remember everything about a good book either. So I will start it. And finish it. And I’ll get what I get out of it.

I want to be more spiritual. Something is missing and I think it’s the belief in something bigger.

Very few people in my life know it, but I believe in a God. If not God, something. Something has to be out there watching us. Rooting for us.

My family is pretty much anti-religion and anti-God. There is no proof so it’s not real. Religious people are dumb. That’s what I used to think too.

So I’m scared to tell them. I’m scared to tell anyone because I don’t even know what my own beliefs are yet. I’m still learning.

Maybe at the moment, I just believe in energy. It’s all around us. We are made of it. If I give out positive energy, I get positive energy.

But I need something. That’s what the two most important people in my life tell me. I’m sick and God can help.

I do feel empty. Maybe I need something spiritual to fill that hole in my heart.

When I was in school, I had to go to an addictions recovery centre for men for six weeks. They had to believe in something bigger than themselves in order to get better. I spoke to many of them who believed that was the only way.

So that’s one of the experiences that really got my gears turning. I need something. I might not be as sick or as addicted as them but I am not happy. I have a house, food, a car, people who love me, two stable jobs, a puppy on my lap, I’m physically healthy, but I’m not happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I travelled more then I would appreciate what I have. Learn about people who have less but believe they have more.

My book about India made me want to go there. Supposedly Indian’s are the people who show the greatest love. They love and hug and kiss their friends. Male or females. They love and kiss their parent’s and actually tell them why they love them. They are loyal and will do anything for the people around them.  They dance to show their love of life.

I’ve heard this about other cultures too. They appreciate the small things in life and aren’t so focused on money and consuming. Obviously, these are assumptions as I have only been to Disneyland, Vegas and Mexico but I have learned this from all of the books I have read.

Thinking, not doing. Seems to be my life theme.

I just finished watching the “Minimalist’s” documentary. It outlines people who are happy with less. I think I would be happy with less too. I have so much stuff in my little place that it makes me feel stressed. If I had less, there would be less to worry about.

I did get rid of some clothes last week but I need to go past that. I need to get rid of everything and keep the necessities. Just keep the basics.

Keep what meets the three bottom steps of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs including physiological essentials (food, water), safety (shelter) and a sense of love and belonging (relationships).

That’s all anybody needs. The rest is just excess. Temporary pleasure.

I feel a sudden urge of motivation right now to get rid of stuff so I better run with it while I can.  I wish clearing my house was as easy as clearing my mind.

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