Today I planned to go skating with my dad. I work at a place that allows and even encourages staff to skate on the ice when their isn’t anything booked. I confirmed the night before that it was okay to come today.
When we got there we asked if it was okay to skate and the guy said yes. We are in the middle of putting our skates on and the other guy comes out and says we can’t because they have to do some maintenance.
This was literally the first time that I can remember that I actually set up a time to hang out with my dad. My heart dropped and anger came out simultaneously.
My dad used to LOVE hockey. He played it all of the time and had so much fun enjoying it. He now has rheumatoid arthritis and the disease has taken away his ability to play for the longest time.
Today my dad actually felt up to playing. He brought us sticks and a puck and he seemed really excited. I was so disappointed when they said we couldn’t.
Then I had this sad feeling all day and I still have this sad feeling. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is and I think it’s the feeling of letting someone I love down.
I know it’s just a quick skate and we can go any other time but I just want to try to figure out this emotion because I feel it all of the time in situations like this.
I think it’s because I want my dad to be happy. I want him to have fun. I want him to do thinks that are enjoyable for him. I feel like I got his hopes up and then I let him down.
In any one else’s head this wouldn’t be a big deal. And in my rational mind this isn’t a big deal. And I’m sure my dad has already gotten over it.
That’s my problem though. I get these huge emotions from little events. I hang onto them for longer than I should. All day today I told myself it’s not a big deal and to let it go.
I took deep breaths and tried to distract myself by thinking about other things and by going to the gym.
“Relax and district” as the DBT book says. I feel like I tried my best to implement that today and the feelings kept coming back.
I get these huge emotions and hang onto them but I’m wondering if other people do as well. People who aren’t crazy or is it just the crazy people who get like this?
This is part of my borderline. Extreme emotional dysregulation. Getting so worked up and so sad about such a little event. I’m trying to tell myself “it’s okay.” Feel the emotions and let them go.
That’s why I’m writing this. I’m going to see if getting the thoughts out will help me give them away. My own little therapy.
As long as I am aware of myself and my thoughts, I truly believe I will get better at managing them.
Even if I talked to my dad about my feelings I might have felt better. He might have said, “Amy. It’s okay.” That would have probably been all I really needed. He kind of did anyway.
So I think I’ll go and do some meditation and try to clear my mind for a bit. I’ll set up skating another time.
Amy, it’s not a big deal!