Death

Today, I attended a Celebration of Life for my friend that I used to work with. We became super close over a 3 year period but I’ve only seen him a few times in passing in the last 7 years. For this reason, my boyfriend doesn’t think I should be sad about it. I am.

This makes me wonder. When is it okay for us to be sad about somebody dieing? I literally couldn’t stop myself from crying (bawling) on the way home. Then I started to analyze my thoughts and feelings like I always do.

Am I only crying about this because I tend to lean more towards sadness in my daily life anyway and this death is just the trigger that causes these tears to overflow?

Is it stupid that I was only one of the few who could not control my tears at the event? There were people there who saw Evan on a regular basis who weren’t crying. Why did I have to be the one to break down? I haven’t seen him for years.

I shouldn’t let myself feel guilty for grieving. I barely let myself cry about it yet. All of those people probably have. How could I NOT expect to cry at this thing? Crying is a way people grieve and I need to grieve. I didn’t do it before this event so how could i not expect it to come out?

I think I felt so sad because I saw all of these people who loved him. All of these people whose lives he affected so positively. He was an amazing person and was taken away too early. I know people say that about everyone who dies but not one person in this world would deny that. Everybody loved him.

Evan was one of those people who made everybody feel special. If I think back, I don’t have one specific memory about him. My memory is like that saying, “they won’t remember what you said but they’ll always remember how you made them feel.” That couldn’t be more true about Ev.

When I think about him, I think about his smile. I think about how he was so focused and interested in what I and other people had to say. He would either laugh really hard at what I said or make a joke so that I would laugh really hard.

We would dance and sing together. He would tell me things and teach me things. He was like an older brother. He was a positive role model that I needed in my life at that time. I didn’t have many positive things going on during that time but Evan was a light. He was so energetic, so funny, so comfortable in himself, so interested in others.

His friends that Evan titled “the Brotherhood” spoke today. The last of the three to speak said, “Evan wouldn’t have found that funny………..he would have found that hilarious!!” So true. Evan saw the positive in every single thing. Evan was always looking to have a good time.

The same friends said, “he wouldn’t just be part of an experience, he would be looking to CREATE the experience so he could tell the story and laugh about it later.” Evan was who I wanted to be. Who I still want to be. He had the best qualities. He was looking to live life to the freaking fullest.

I need to learn from this. This is the turning point. So many times I think, “someone is going to die and I’m going to wish I told them I loved them.” I think, “my parents are going to die one day and all they are going to know is grumpy Amy. They’ll never know me as a loving, funny, life-loving daughter.”

That’s what I want. I want to be a positive light in the life of everyone that I know. I want people to know that if they are down, they can call Amy and she’ll pick you right up. I want them to think, “aww yah, let’s bring Aim along to make this more fun!” or “Amy is such a good listener and makes me feel like I’m the only person in the room.”

Even on my way home today I was thinking, “I should be dead. Evan should be alive. He would get so much more out of his life than I have been getting out of mine. I haven’t done anything. I haven’t been living.”

It’s crazy. I’ve been waiting for someone to die so that I could see the importance of living.

Evan would do things that are different. He did thinks separate from the “norm” and owned it. He found things he was passionate about and went for it.

That’s what I want to do. I want to discover what I really would like to accomplish in this life and do it. That’s that.

I’m taking a Laughter yoga teacher training. I think Evan would love that.

I have three people that I can think of that I want to be like. I want their spirit and energy and positivity. Evan. D Reboh. And Ashley from my work.

Evan never knew the impact he had on me. I barely had anybody at that time but going to work and hanging out with him were the only good times I had in those days. They made me want to live. It sounds cheesy but he will always be with me. He’ll always be with everyone. He made such a difference in everybody’s lives.

I can’t believe you are gone. I always felt safe because you existed. I knew if I really needed I could talk to you. It sounds weird but it’s true. You and Jurcevic. Thank you for being in my life. I believe in angels because of you.

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