I have gained 10 real pounds in the last two and a half months.
I’ve maintained my weight somewhere around a healthy weight for the past two years.
Funny, I thought I was fat 10 pounds ago. If I were to get to that point again, I would be happy with myself.
I have lifted weight consistently for the past 5-6 years and was super strong. Along with gaining 10 pounds in the last two and a half months, I quit lifting weight.
So basically all that weight gain is fat. Imagine how unhealthy my insides are to have such rapid weight gain.
Maybe I’m supposed to gain this weight so that I will finally accept my body. Accept myself.
I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to hate myself. I want to let myself get depressed and hate myself for gaining all of this extra fat around my belly, arms and legs. I want to put myself down and start dieting “tomorrow” so that I can binge on food for one more day to make myself feel better.
But bingeing doesn’t make me feel better. Hating myself doesn’t either.
I’ve gone in cycles for as long as I can remember. Actually, realistically since grade 7. I would go in periods of binge eating and restricting. My weight would fluctuate like crazy. But only up to a maximum of 5 pounds. I’ve never gained 10 pounds in one binge eating stretch. I usually get the willpower to quit before this point. That’s why I feel even worse this time. If I gained 10 pounds this binge, how many will I gain next time? I lost complete control.
Now I am angry at myself because I know a lot about the body and nutrition and weight loss. I know that now that I’ve gained so much fat, the next time I get down to the weight I was before, I will look fatter. This is because I will lose some muscle along with the fat.
I just finished googling “celebrities with binge eating disorder.” Can you believe that I actually felt jealous of the people with bulimia and anorexia while I was searching? Like I seriously was thinking, “I wish I had either of those things…..” just so I can be skinnier. How fucked up is that? I want to be even more fucked up so I can be skinny.
The funny thing is now that I look how I look, I realized that I WAS skinny 10 pounds ago. I had an awesome bod. I never am happy with what I have. I just keep wanting more.
I need to remember to use this as a learning experience. I feel sick to my stomach from all the food I eat. I feel uncomfortable to wear anything but baggy shirts so my stomach doesn’t show. I have even less energy than before which I never thought was possible (since I am working out less.)
But what I have done well is not let these feelings completely affect my mood. I have tried to stay positive and smiling and laughing. Honestly all because Evan died. I know he wouldn’t let himself get down over such stupid stuff. He would just change it.
I signed up impulsively for a nutrition plan from some Instagram girl. My boyfriend watched like a full 10 minute video of her half naked working out. I felt jealous but I pretended I didn’t notice him staring the whole time. Then I googled her name and found the friggen nutrition plan.
I was mad at myself afterwards. Another nutrition plan purchased with hopes that this will be the one! But then I remembered Evan. He pushed himself. He learned new things.
I am going to use this opportunity to push myself. Show myself I can do this. I have self discipline. I have control over what I eat. I don’t need to love every single thing I eat. I can learn to eat food that is less pleasurable than I prefer. Especially if it makes me feel better.
Right now, I am proud of myself. Again, in the past I would definitely get mad at myself for gaining this weight. I would feel jealous of my boyfriend for wanting to “get jacked” and actually being able to do it.
But I sincerely feel mentally stronger at this point in time. I know my boyfriend loves me. I know it’s not just for my body. I just laughed my ass off with my friend the other night for like 3 hours. I laughed snap chatting little Berk. I laughed at funny videos. I’m spending a lot more time laughing lately and I want to keep it up.
I have a lot of compassion for myself. Everybody has problems. I just end up showing my struggles to the whole world since it manifests as weight gain. I just need to remember I am struggling and I just need to keep supporting myself instead of bringing myself down.
The point of this whole thing is that I want to prove to myself that I can follow this nutrition plan. I can use other resources to pair up with this program so that I can overcome this eating disorder.
I am going to become the healthy, strong and (even more important) happy person I have always wanted.
It’s okay I’ve gained this weight. The most important thing is I stay happy and continue to learn how to love myself. I have to keep looking forward instead of back.