I recently told my boyfriend I am not doing so great.
He asked, “what steps are you taking right now in your life to get better?”
I literally am taking none.
This question, along with my mom being in the hospital again, has encouraged me to put in the work to build a life worth living.
I’ve spent the longest time trying to deny there is anything wrong with me. Maybe if I try a little harder I won’t be so crazy.
I’ve just started to research Borderline Personality Disorder pretty seriously and I am finally ready to admit that I actually have it.
My mom is currently in the psych ward. I believe her current diagnosis is bipolar disorder.
She has never been open with anyone about anything so it’s hard to tell what is going on with her. Kind of like me.
She has tried every antipsychotic and antidepressant that exists and it has never seemed to help her.
I’m beginning to wonder if she has Borderline but no one has been able to figure that out yet. Which means she is taking all of these medications that are probably fucking her up way worse than they are helping.
I could currently have some important intel on her condition but I don’t want to tell anyone because I think it is more important that my disorder stays a secret than it is to help my mom.
How fucked up is that?
I don’t want to suggest to anyone that she might have Borderline because they will ask why I think that and I don’t want to have to tell them it’s because I have it. And where else would I get it except for from my mom?
I’ve read a lot on the causes of Borderline and apparently 60% is hereditary and 40% is environmental. I haven’t been able to learn whether or not the hereditary part means that it comes directly from someone with BPD or just from someone with a mental health disorder.
Either way, I am currently living with so much guilt.
This is another thing that comes along with the BPD territory. Super sensitivity.
I feel responsible for everything. I take on extreme amounts of guilt.
My mom wants me to come visit her in the hospital and I don’t want to. I feel so so terrible for not going and it eats me up from the inside out the whole entire day.
My sister made a birthday cake for her friend’s birthday. It took her like 10 hours total. No one had cut the cake by the time she had left the party. I take on extreme sadness and disappointment for her because I assume that is how she is feeling when realistically, I doubt she has thought about it since.
I need to learn how to stop this. How to stop taking on other people’s pain. I used to think it was because I was an empath but really I think it’s the Borderline.
My mom has a terrible quality of life. She sits at home all day, everyday. She sleeps probably 18 hours out of a 24 hour period. She is constantly anxious and has no relationships with anyone.
I scare myself every day thinking I might end up like her. I am so much like her and that’s what scares me.
Like my mom, I often “zone out” and forget what I am doing. Like in the middle of doing it. I recently learned this could be part of dissociation that comes along with borderline. Or something called “poor working memory” that people with bipolar and BPD (or I’m assuming many mental illnesses) can get.
I do really stupid things too. Like majorly mindless things. My most recent adventure involved ripping my rearview mirror off of my car when I pulled up too closely to the drive through at Dairy Queen.
I’m still trying to figure out how to hide that one from my dad. My dad shows his love through fixing things, mainly my car since it is one of the things that takes the blunt of my mindlessness.
I know many people would say “that happens to everyone” but it happens to me often. Like every day.
When my mom was hospitalized in the past she continually repeated “I’m a bad person” but would not elaborate on that.
I 100% feel like this everyday. It’s so hard to explain though so I never try to explain it. I literally feel exactly like my mom but I’m too scared to tell her.
I feel guilt about this too because if only I told her, maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone.
That’s what I would want but I’m too “bad” of a person to put aside my anxiety and awkwardness and just tell her when I think this could help her more than any other treatment she could receive.
I attribute some of my badness to the feeling that every single time I am interacting with someone I am having two interactions. One internally and one externally.
For example, I am acting one way and saying certain things to that person but in my head I am thinking of something completely different.
How is that even possible? It sounds crazy. Literally having two experiences at once and the other person doesn’t even know it.
But the reason I feel like I am a bad person is because I am usually thinking negative thoughts about that other person. Constant judgement. Hatred. Jealousy. Annoyance. Indifference. Just wanting to get out of there. Away from them. I feel total discomfort without them even knowing.
This is how I feel with most people.
It’s the worst feeling in the world and I need to figure this out.
Having no relationships or fake relationships make it hard to view my life as worth living.
I think this goes along with the Borderline’s fear of abandonment.
I think these things because I think it is what the other person is thinking about me. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise by reminding myself that I am the one who is fucked up.
“Normal” people aren’t thinking these things. “Normal” people are just having one interaction at a time. They are just trying to live. Just trying to communicate.
I can see myself ending up where my mom is if I keep going how I am going.
60 years old, in the mental hospital, no one there to visit, every one is fed up because she hasn’t tried to help herself.
But how do you help yourself when you don’t even know what is wrong with you?
I have that advantage I guess.
I know the most effective treatment at the moment for Borderline is DBT so I’m going to start there.
I wish daily that there was a Borderline support group where I am from so that I could connect with others who feel how I feel.
For now, I’ll practice mindfulness and self reflection through my blog and try to get better.